Consejitos Con Santana - Volume Tres: Here & Queer at Communication Station

Words by Santana Peralez

Disclaimer: This column is for informational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. The author and Trucha are not liable for any consequences resulting from following this advice.

 

Hola Trucha Fam! I don’t know about y’all, but I am so excited for what 2024 might bring. 

 

This month we have some toughies coming our way. We start with “Love in The Dark” by Adele and then fall into “Hymn for Her” by Ames. 

 

The main topic this month is communication. Communicating our needs can be incredibly hard, and honestly, some days, I have so much trouble just vocalizing my needs. It’s a skill that takes time to develop, and even then, it can still be hard to openly communicate.

 

This month we have 3 questions that deal with communication and its importance in all relationships, romantic and otherwise.

Me and this boy have been dating for almost a year. He’s in the closet still and he says we can’t be out around people because I’m out and he isn’t. He tells me that soon he’ll take me on a proper date, he’ll tell everyone we are dating, and he will publicly share me on his Instagram. But he’s been saying this for months. He told me he was gonna come out for my birthday and take me on a super cute date, then my birthday came, and nothing. I love him, and I think he could be my person. But is it wrong for me to be getting tired of waiting? How do I tell him I feel like he is ashamed of me? Does it mean I don’t love him if I don’t want to wait?

Dear Waiting in Weslaco,

 

I have been exactly where you are more times than I would like to admit publicly. I know exactly how you’re feeling right now. It always seems so manageable in the beginning, you tell yourself that it doesn’t matter how long you have to wait for him to be public as long as you have him.. But slowly, it starts to eat away at you, and then every insecurity is amplified. Suddenly you spend all your time wondering if the reason he’s keeping you secret has more to do with you than his struggle with his sexuality.

 

First, I wanna make it clear that any guy who can’t keep a promise is a red flag. No matter what. Broken promises are a sign of disrespect. Even if it doesn’t seem like that, it shows that he doesn’t respect you enough to keep his promises. If he keeps doing it over and over again, it tells you that he thinks he can just keep doing it, and you’ll never say anything. And it doesn’t matter if he’s doing it maliciously or not because it is, at the end of the day, a clear sign of a lack of respect.

 

It isn’t wrong of you to want your partner to be public about your relationship. And I have come to realize that private relationships work for a lot of people. But not everyone is built for a private hidden relationship, and that’s also okay to admit. It is entirely possible that this isn’t your person after all, and as much as that might hurt to admit, maybe that’s for the best.

 

It’s time to have a proper sit-down convo with him and get everything out. Give him one final chance, and then, that’s it. Ultimatums suck, and being the person who makes them sucks even more, but you can’t spend your whole life waiting.

I have been super unlucky in love for years. It's like every girl I've met was either still stuck on her ex or not into anything serious. But, now I found the perfect girl. She's gorgeous, kind, wicked smart, and hilarious. I genuinely believe we could build a life together. Now for the dilemma. I just got accepted into a master's program out of state, and she found her dream job here. We have until I graduate in the spring to decide, but I have no idea what to do. So my question is: Should I stay or should I go?

Dear Un-Lucky Lesbian,

 

I’m gonna start with the easy bit. You should go. I have become a huge education pusher, and I can say that joining my master’s program was amazing, and I genuinely love what I’m studying. If you want this for yourself, you shouldn’t let anything stop you.

 

If you do decide leaving is the right thing for you, you’re left with the hard bit. Deciding how to move forward but, as someone in a relationship, you need to talk to your girlfriend and get her opinion as well.

 

When you choose to get into a relationship, you tie your life with someone else’s and both have to decide what is right for your futures. If you both find that separating is what both of you need, then as hard as it is, you have to accept that.

 

I do think long-distance relationships can work; it just depends on what type of needs both of you have. However, long-distance relationships are a lot of work, more so than other relationships, and it might not be possible for both of y’all to handle that.

 

There is no one way to have a relationship, and I know it can feel like you have no choice and you have the worst luck, but no matter what happens, be happy and appreciate the moments you have with your girlfriend now before things change.

I’ve been out as nonbinary for a year now, and everyone has been supportive for the most part. Only my siblings bother with my pronouns. Luckily, my name's pretty neutral, so that's not a hassle, but my family keeps getting the pronouns wrong. No one's even trying. It's not like they have an issue with me being queer; it just seems like the pronoun thing isn't a big deal to them. It's sparked arguments with my siblings and the rest of my family, and now two of my brothers won't even talk to my grandparents. I'm feeling pretty crappy about it. What I can do?

Dear Pronoun Problems, 

I remember when I first allowed myself to have the pronoun conversations with my friends and family. It takes a lot of strength to use your voice and advocate for yourself in that way. I want to make sure you know that what you’re doing is very brave. 

 

I am so sorry that some members of your family aren’t as receptive to your new pronouns as others. Respecting someone’s pronouns is the bare minimum. For all of our progress and progressiveness, some people in the Valley can be very close-minded when it comes to the topics of gender and sexuality. 

 

You are lucky to have some members of your family in your corner, even if it feels like you’re making your family pick sides. The people who love you will always go up to bat for you, and while sometimes it can feel like it will cause more trouble for them than it’s worth, it shows how much they care for you.

 

All you can do is check in with your family that is supporting you and keep advocating for yourself and your needs.

Thank you so much for reading the first Consejito’s Con Santana of 2024!

You can submit your questions here. 

Please note there are no deadlines! The call for questions is ongoing, so feel free to submit a question at any time. See y’all next month for February’s love-focused installment of Consejitos Con Santana!

Join Us in Uplifting

Your contribution will help us continue our mission to empower our creative community of storytellers.

¡Ponte Trucha!

Sign up for upcoming events, articles, opportunities, and more.