Consejitos Con Santana — Volume Cuatro: Enamorados: Lover Girls, Gays, and Theys
Words by Santana Peralez
Disclaimer: This column is for informational purposes only and should not replace professional advice. The author and Trucha are not liable for any consequences resulting from following this advice.
Note from Editor: The following questions have been edited for brevity.
Hola y’all! Love has been in the air this past month and finally found its way over to me. This month, our questions are all about amor: From falling in love with your friends to trying to find love and being open with the one you love. As a certified lover girl, I love talking about love, so let’s get into it.
I have this friend, and because I am a cliche, I am in love with her. Being in love with her was never really a big thing until recently when she confessed that she thought she might be bi. We talked, and then she leaned in really close to me and asked if she could kiss me. We kissed, and it was amazing, but afterward, she asked me to give her space and not tell anyone. After everything, I feel like I have to tell her how I feel. But how do I tell her I’ve been in love with her this whole time? Should I even tell her?
Dear Suffering Sapphic,
Being a cliché isn’t a bad thing. I feel like it’s part of the queer experience to fall for one of your friends, though I have to be honest, I don’t think I ever had the opportunity to kiss one of them.
I am a lover girl, though, and I’ve always found it hard to keep it to myself when I have feelings for someone. I can become consumed with what-ifs and possibilities. For your own sake, I think you should tell her exactly how you feel, let all your feelings out, whether she reciprocates or not, at least you’ll know.
I will say that it’s very easy to become a lesson for someone else, and as someone told me recently, you don’t need to be a learning experience or a lesson for someone else. And I am repeating this to you: you deserve to just be a person.
I’m a transgender girl and have been single for 3 years now, and I am so tired of it. It feels like every guy I meet, I’m having the same conversation every time. They think I’m amazing, but they don’t want a relationship. Or they want a serious relationship, but they could never have one with a “girl like me.” And then there are the guys who seem so into me, then they learn I’m Trans and ghost at best or, at worst, freak out. Do you have any advice for dating as a Trans girl?
Dear Trans and Alone,
Dating can be awful for pretty much everyone across the board, no matter gender expression or sexuality. However, dating while Trans adds a whole other layer to it that makes dating even harder.
No one gets a rule book for dating, but Trans people, especially, are expected to be experts in romance and the nuances of dating as soon as we start our transition. That is simply not possible.
I have heard every excuse from guys regarding me and why they can’t date me. I used to take it to heart and let their issues paint how I see myself. It can start to affect your self-esteem and how you look at yourself. I want you to know that you aren’t alone in this, and there are a number of Trans people (myself included) that had to learn to separate the way we are viewed in the dating scene from who we truly are.
Unfortunately, dating is hard. It is one of those universal human experiences we must go through. But don’t ever settle for less than your worth, and never allow anyone, especially some guy, to make you feel less than your worth. You deserve to live your life for yourself and the people you love. I hope you find someone who sees you for your worth soon. Even though you may feel like it, you aren’t alone.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months, and we’ve been talking about finally having sex, which is amazing. I have two issues though. 1: I’ve never even had sex with another guy. 2: He has some physical disabilities that might make sex different. He says he is okay with any questions I ask, but I have no clue how to approach him. He’s the second boy I’ve ever dated in my whole life, and I really like him. I just don’t want to make it awkward. What do I do?
Dear Shy in San Juan,
Talk to your boyfriend.
I understand that, for the most part, we live in a society where open communication about our sexual needs is frowned upon, even if it’s with our sexual partner. But your boyfriend has been living with his disability, so he will probably know the best way for both of you to have a good, safe time.
You can do supplemental research. Google is your friend, and there are a bunch of digital creators who are open online about living with physical disabilities. However, your boyfriend is the best person to talk to about all of this. I know it can be daunting, but if y’all are ready to start having sex, you should be able to talk about it without it being awkward.
Be honest with him, explain how much you like him, and even how worried you are about making things awkward.
Let yourself be vulnerable and open to what he may need from you. You should do this with any partner you have, but it is especially important now.
Thank you so much for reading the fourth installment of Consejito’s Con Santana!
You can submit your questions here.
Please note there are no deadlines! The call for questions is ongoing, so feel free to submit a question at any time. See y’all next month!
