Consejitos Con Santana - Volume Dos: Queerly Confused and Gayly Wondering

A woman with a yellow bandana and yellow clothing surrounded by trans flag colors and black swirls and stars.

Hola Y’all! Thanks so much to everyone for the amazing response to Volume 1 of Consejitos Con Santana! For this month’s installment, we have 4 questions dealing with two distinct topics. We cover the whole spectrum this week, going from Girls by girl in red, to First Time He Kissed A Boy by Kadie Elder. In our first section, our questions deal more about coming out of your shell and how to be more open. In the second section, we look at relationship troubles, one ongoing romantic relationship, and one possibly about to start. 

Coming Out of Your Shell

How do I start talking to girls without being scared? (Sent from a women loving woman (wlw))

Dear Queer from McAllen,

 

I am going to be totally honest and say I have no actual experience talking to girls romantically. But I think I can give you some advice that works across the board. First and foremost, be confident in who you are, this isn’t to say that you should be overly fake confident. When you put on an air of fake confidence, it can be obvious to people that it’s an act. Even worse, it can be draining to be putting on that act all the time. However, when you work on being confident within yourself you eventually exude confidence. 

 

Once you find confidence in yourself,  it becomes easier to form new connections with other people and, eventually, with girls you like. Take more risks, but don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Once you can walk into a room truly confident in who you are, not only will you  be able to more easily talk to people, but you’ll find that people will gravitate towards you. We tend to be our own worst enemies when it comes to romance. We project our own insecurities into relationships or possible relationships, we often tend to think that other people view us as lowly as we view ourselves. Don’t let yourself be an obstacle.

I came out as a lesbian more recently in my late 20s and am struggling to find spaces where I feel I fit in. I feel so disconnected with the LGBTQIA+ community in the RGV. All of my friends and co-workers are straight and disinterested in the same things as me. It is so isolating. I'm currently trying to find friends and community through events and social media pages, but I haven't found the right fit yet. A lot of events I've seen are catered to teens and younger adults, which is not quite for me. I feel too old and keep comparing myself as everyone is already so open and confident and I am just learning how to be myself confidently. I feel very out of place and incredibly late! I want to catch up and find where I fit in. Do you have any advice for late bloomers looking for community in the RGV?

Dear Late to the Party Lesbian,

 

Funnily enough, I was talking to a friend about finding community as an adult. When you’re young it can feel easier to make friends and community because you’re always meeting new people, you’re surrounded by opportunities to join clubs and meet like-minded people. As an adult, it can be harder, especially if your work colleagues are disinterested (and even worse all straight). A huge thing to remember is that sometimes your best queer friends can be found in spaces not catered to queer people.

 

The best advice I can give you is to look for community events relating to things you like, book clubs’ events like the one hosted at BUHO, and going to events with people who you already have something in common with will help you find friends, queer or otherwise. Even if the people you meet at first aren’t all queer, eventually you’ll find more people. The search for community as an adult is hard, and even more so as a queer adult, so start by going to places that align with your interests. Try to make the time to go to more events, not just ones hosted by preexisting groups, but also workshops, classes, seminars, and markets. 

 

Whether you feel it or not, you are still young, and you can find community. Let your interests and hobbies guide you, and you’ll find your circle. It’s never too late to make new friends!

Relationship Troubles

Hi Santana! I have an issue that I’m too shy to talk about with anyone else, but this seemed perfect. I’m having issues with my boyfriend right now. He isn’t taking me out anymore, he says he’s tired every single time I suggest we go out and do something, and he just wants to lie down and be at home. I feel like he’s gotten…. Too comfortable? He’s not paying enough attention to me, and I feel neglected, and he doesn’t want to do anything on his own. Am I overreacting? How do I tell him about [my feelings] and present this without making him feel attacked?

Dear Anxious Abby,  

 

Your feelings in this are valid, it’s so important to remember that sometimes it doesn’t matter how difficult a conversation is, some conversations need to be had.

I also want to say that sometimes, there is a lull in a relationship that can cause you to not be spending as much time together for whatever the reason may be. Maybe it’s work, family issues, finances, or education. Often, we don’t have the opportunity to spend time with our partners; however, it is important to make time for them.

 

The main thing in these moments is to communicate. Try to go in as peacefully as possible and explain how this is making you feel, without anger. Give your partner a chance to speak and make sure that both of you are being heard in that moment. Now if your partner doesn’t want to listen or put in the needed effort to ensure that both of your needs are being met in the relationship, then you have to ask yourself what the next move is. A relationship can’t flourish if both people aren’t willing to put in the work. I hope everything gets sorted and that you can do not only what is for you both as a couple but also for you as a person.

Howdy Santana, I am Trans, and I've been out and proud for 4 years. The thing that made me write to you; is I think I'm gay now. Or Bi or Pan or something. There's this guy. We've been friends for a few months, and I thought he was good-looking. At first, I thought it was just gender envy, but the other day, we were [inebriated] and we kissed. Then we did more than kiss. I've never been into guys before. But I think I'm into him. Is this a fluke? Should I pursue this? How do I even start talking to him about maybe seeing where this goes?

Dear Trans on Trenton,


First,
boyyyyyy. Labels aside, you know you like this boy. Sometimes we limit ourselves because we don’t know how people will perceive the people we date or the relationships we’re in, and as Trans people, we wonder if our relationships will affect how we are perceived by others even more than our cis counterparts. That aspect sucks. But at this point, you guys have kissed (and done more than kiss), and you’re attracted to him. If you have to ask, “Am I into this person?” you’re into them, babe.

 

I feel like what’s really holding you back is what this might mean for you and your identity. But realistically, this doesn’t change much. Finding out you’re attracted to a man doesn’t make you any less of a man. Don’t hold yourself back, you’re into him, and he’s into you! You’re literally living in a young adult novel. Relish in it! Labels can make things easier to identify but don’t let labels or the fear of changing labels restrict you. You’re still a guy who happens to be attracted to another guy. Don’t worry about whether you’re bi, pan, or gay. Just follow your feelings! Be open and honest with him about how you’re feeling, explain that you’re confused but you want to see where this goes with him.  Let me know how it goes!

 

 

 

Thanks so much for joining me for this week! I had a time answering these questions, and I am so excited to see what y’all have for me next time! You can submit your questions here. 

 

Please note there are no deadlines! The call for questions is ongoing, so feel free to submit a question at any time. See y’all next year for the next installment of Consejitos Con Santana! Ponte Trucha! 

 

Mira Más De Este Autor

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